The Nature of Ego

I've been called a number of things over the last while. Tactless. Blunt. Mean. Even hypocritical. None of those I can really dispute. But there is one - egotistical. I have been getting this one a lot recently, partially because at first, I accepted and embraced the label. But now, the more I think about it the less I find myself agreeing.

Let us look for a moment at the definition of ego:

ego
1. The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.
2. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.
3.
a. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.
b. Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem.

Ignoring the first two, we come to the two definitions most commonly used outside of psychology - conceit, and self esteem.

When people use the word egotistical, they rarely mean it under 3b. It is a 3a term - a conceit, an improper feeling of self worth. I do not think I fall into that category (which may in itself seem conceited, but I'll get to my reasons in a minute). I think my self worth is quite justified. And here's why.

I am a Good Person. I wake up in the morning, lurch out of bed and make it to the bathroom mirror, and I see myself. Now, I am not much taken with my appearance, but I see myself, and I straighten a little. My self-worth establishes itself, and I am good to go for the day.

But WHY. Where does this feeling come from, this feeling that I am a good person?

It comes from what I do, and the way I treat people. As a human, I do more good than harm. Cause more smiles than tears. I am at my core a utilitarian, and the knowledge that I have a positive net impact on the world around me is pleasing.

But even deeper, WHY. Where does this self-assurance, this knowledge of positive gain come from? From my friendships.

When I have a friend in trouble, I don't stop to think. If there is something in my power that I can do to help, I do it. It doesn't matter if that involves driving all the way across the city at midnight in the rain simply because an unreliable parent didn't bring home any food. It doesn't matter if it involves a long term loan (really, more of a gift crouched in terms of a loan to avoid guilt) that I can't really afford to stop a friend getting evicted, or starving to death. It doesn't matter what cost to me, as long as one of mine's crisis is averted.

I have been known to cause harm. I hold no compunction about speaking my mind, and some of my opinions, particularly of certain individuals, is really rather harmful. But I sleep easy knowing that for every instance I have done more than ruffled some feathers, there has been a time where I have gone that extra mile for someone who matters to me. And that definition, people who matter, is not exclusive, nor small. I consider a very large group of CNZers friends, even people whom I don't really know very well, but any of them I would go that extra mile for.

So before you call me an egotist, consider. Is my sense of self-worth really so unjustified? Because I think I have earned, and continue to earn, my right to smugness.

(And I think you will find, if you think about it, that you have earned a measure of smugness too.)