The Nature of Ego

I've been called a number of things over the last while. Tactless. Blunt. Mean. Even hypocritical. None of those I can really dispute. But there is one - egotistical. I have been getting this one a lot recently, partially because at first, I accepted and embraced the label. But now, the more I think about it the less I find myself agreeing.

Let us look for a moment at the definition of ego:

ego
1. The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.
2. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.
3.
a. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.
b. Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem.

Ignoring the first two, we come to the two definitions most commonly used outside of psychology - conceit, and self esteem.

When people use the word egotistical, they rarely mean it under 3b. It is a 3a term - a conceit, an improper feeling of self worth. I do not think I fall into that category (which may in itself seem conceited, but I'll get to my reasons in a minute). I think my self worth is quite justified. And here's why.

I am a Good Person. I wake up in the morning, lurch out of bed and make it to the bathroom mirror, and I see myself. Now, I am not much taken with my appearance, but I see myself, and I straighten a little. My self-worth establishes itself, and I am good to go for the day.

But WHY. Where does this feeling come from, this feeling that I am a good person?

It comes from what I do, and the way I treat people. As a human, I do more good than harm. Cause more smiles than tears. I am at my core a utilitarian, and the knowledge that I have a positive net impact on the world around me is pleasing.

But even deeper, WHY. Where does this self-assurance, this knowledge of positive gain come from? From my friendships.

When I have a friend in trouble, I don't stop to think. If there is something in my power that I can do to help, I do it. It doesn't matter if that involves driving all the way across the city at midnight in the rain simply because an unreliable parent didn't bring home any food. It doesn't matter if it involves a long term loan (really, more of a gift crouched in terms of a loan to avoid guilt) that I can't really afford to stop a friend getting evicted, or starving to death. It doesn't matter what cost to me, as long as one of mine's crisis is averted.

I have been known to cause harm. I hold no compunction about speaking my mind, and some of my opinions, particularly of certain individuals, is really rather harmful. But I sleep easy knowing that for every instance I have done more than ruffled some feathers, there has been a time where I have gone that extra mile for someone who matters to me. And that definition, people who matter, is not exclusive, nor small. I consider a very large group of CNZers friends, even people whom I don't really know very well, but any of them I would go that extra mile for.

So before you call me an egotist, consider. Is my sense of self-worth really so unjustified? Because I think I have earned, and continue to earn, my right to smugness.

(And I think you will find, if you think about it, that you have earned a measure of smugness too.)

No Rest For the Wicked {{Brain Dump}}

Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got a mouth to feed
There ain't nothing in this world for free.

Something for something
Nothing for nothing
Equivalent exchange.

But how much should be sacrificed
on a hope, a chance?
Is it all right to risk everything for such an uncertain future?

And yet, nothing is gained from nothing
Risk is a part of being alive.

Are we human, or are we denser?
More able to face our demons.

Everyone needs a reason to be better than they are, to improve
I have found mine - at least, one that works for now
To improve myself, for the sake of someone else, as well as myself.

It is time to roll the dice.
To flip the chessboard.
To yell "JENGA!"
To press play.

And yet, this is the time for none of those things
This is a time to wait, and see.

And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud, 'til they unfold.

No chance
yet no choice.

There is no coincidence in this world.
Only hitsuzen.

So, all we can do is live
Live, and fight
Fight, for our right to get as we deserve.

We are all mirrors that reflect eachother's Karma
I see mine when I look in your eyes - Do you see yours?

My life is finally starting to go right
Stepping up, and settling into a less 'meh' rhythmn
Karmic payoff, perhaps
God knows I have earned it, even if I did not set out to.

And yet I can't slow down
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could.

'cause there ain't no rest for the wicked
'til we close our eyes for good.

Genius!

[2:04:03 p.m.] Francis: gota start doin pushups and situps again sigh
[2:05:55 p.m.] Creature124: wuuuuut.
[2:06:29 p.m.] Francis: yea its prob cuz i gained like 2 kgs over the 2week break lmao
[2:06:54 p.m.] Creature124: oooh. I may have - I don't weigh myself, I only look at the size of my paunch. Its been getting smaller!
[2:07:04 p.m.] Francis: thts cuz ur poor and dont eat
lmao

What can I say? Too fucking true. Either I can't afford food, or I am too lazy to prepare it. Either way, missed meals = lost weight. Genius!

The Right Information {{Brain Dump}}

Another brain dump done in class. I have noticed that when I do this in class, the points don't flow so obviously. Probably becuase there are more distractions and stuff than when I do it at my keyboard.

---------------------------------------------

The deliver the right information
to the right people
in the right form
at the right time.

Form
Function
Mind
Matter
Greed
Power
Animal Reactions

What is the human mind?
Unstructured data.

Oh, a text message.
A welcome distraction.
From someone I actually like hearing from, no less.

Newfags arriving late
They amuse me
I hope they fail.

The 21st Century
Age of the Acronym

Better safe than sorry.
That hunter has Francis!

Management Informations Systems
More reports than there are clouds in the sky.

Marketing deparments are nosy bastards
sticking their fingers where they don't belong.

Class is interesting for a change.
How droll.

Human Resources is a terrible term.
I am more than just a 'resource', thank you very much.

1 job, 150 applicants?
Fight to the death.

Blood, fights, honour.
Sounds like fun.
I am intrigued.

We are all mirrors
that reflect each other's karma

Computers are lost without structure.
Interesting. I could say the same of myself.

Diversions?
I love diversions.
But I digress.

I love open ended questions.
So much potential for mindfuckery.

Hypothesis?
Hypopomous?
Hippopopomous?

How does telling someone to suck your dick make them gay?
Does that make you the gay one, numbskull?

And the shoulder-surfer says:
'LOL, Paul.'

SPSS?
Bloody Acronym Age.

This is the age of hysteria.
One world, controlled the by the media.

Do you know the enemy?
I used to know the enemy
Now, I think the only enemy is myself.
My own weaknesses.

Objective Complete.

The kid behind me is asleep.
I am amused.

Noisy buggers.
STFU and listen.

Get your towels ready
because this shit's about to go down.

Lecture is over
Jack won the bet
Old Dude™ only interrupted twice.
I just lost the game.

The Nature of the Oracle

I think I have realised something about the nature of my Oracle set.

Don't get me wrong here - I'm not a believer in prediction. Not really. But I do have an Oracle set that I have owned since I was a kid, and when I stumble upon it (usually hidden in the deepest recesses of my untidy bookcase), I invariably pull it out and do a reading, just out of curiosity.

Maybe it is my lack of belief that explains why future events are never predicted correctly. But then, maybe not - chaos theory, people.

Never when I do a reading do I learn anything new. Not once.

At first, it always seems like new information. It feels new. But when it is done, and I take a step back and look at the whole picture, I realise that I already knew everything in it. Perhaps I had not fully realized it. Or simply not accepted it. But it was there.

The cards show me a path that I had known all along, but simply had not recognised. I think that this is their power - through their vague meanings, my thoughts are clarified, and I am able recognise what has been right in front of me the entire time.

That is their value. I have always held that the personal meanings found in fortune telling is manufactured by the veiwer, but now I wonder thus: Is that not what makes them useful?

Nonetheless, I think I need to invest in a new Deck. Telling my fortune on a Lord of the Rings themed Oracle makes me feel like an idiot, regardless of the result 8D

The Song of the Century {{Brain Dump}}

They're playing the song of the century
Of panic and promise and prosperity
Tell me a story into that goodnight
Sing us a song for me

We didn't start the flame war
but we invariably continue it.

All of this has happened before,
and all of this will happen again.

So say we all.

There is no coincidence in this world
only hitsuzen.

So, maybe,
just maybe,
it's time to shine my halo.

Known not to death,
nor to life.

The path I walk has been so....easy.
Can it be called living?
Have I yet lived?
Sometimes, I wonder.

A friend of so many,
yet a lover of none.
Is it my fate to walk this path alone?
I don't think so.
I refuse to believe it.
For the moment I believe it, hope is lost
and with no hope, that would be my fate indeed.

Words of encourangement reach my ears.
They give me heart
My quest is not in vain
I walk onwards.

Stand on the freakin' point, dumbass.

I don't know if you mean well,
or if you hold sinister intent,
but your warnings will not dissuade me
No matter how many times you repeat them
you fucking broken record.

I'm following my heart
you should be able to understand that
of all people
you dick.

I walk on.

Do I need a reason to help someone?
Yes, I do. But I have one.
But it is a reason in me, that is always there
because I enjoy seeing the smiles.

I once heard a story of a girl
who cried a river and drowned the whole world,
and while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutley love her when she smiles.

Please keep smiling,
for your smile is my reason to change.

So sing us a song of the century,
Thats louder than bombs and eternity
The era of static and contraband,
Leading us into the Promised Land.

Sing us a song...for me.

Self-Importance

"And that's why when you've exhibited the slighest tendency towards self-importance, I've reminded you that you and me - you and I: excuse me - may be every bit as important as the President or the pope or the biggest prime-time icon in Hollywood, but that none of us is much more than a pimple on the ass-end of creation, so let's not get carried away with ourselves. Preventative medicine, boy. It's preventative medicine."
"But what about self-esteem?"
"Heh! Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you're a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace - maybe even glory."

That is a small excerpt from Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates by Tom Robbins, and I thought it summarized my worldview well enough to deserve a place here!

Why does love do this to me? {{Brain Dump}}

Why does love do this to me?
I don't know, I don't know.

Well, I sorta know.
I mean, its only human, right?
This selfishness.

Selfish? Shellfish.
Crab is good, but prawn is better.
Love that thousand island dressing.

Easter Island heads singing in tune.

Well the remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liason.
I won't worry my life away.
Not anymore.

Putting all this on paper makes me wonder if I am actually insane.
Can an insane man recognise his own lack of sanity?
Or must you be sane to see the lackthereof?

Lack.
My life is pretty damn spiffy.
I am content.
It ain't perfect - there is stuff I lack.
Like a girlfriend.
But I have survived without it thus far, so I think I will continue, if that's quite alright with you.

Contentment is a skill, you know.
I've been practicing.
I've gotten quite good, really.

That isn't to say I don't take steps to improve my lot in life.
But for now, it's the only lot I have, so I may as well enjoy it.

If you find yourself inside a bubble, hold your cloak and wait for me.
Always follow orders, little bees.

Goddamn bees.
Why is something so small and so yellow so damn scary?

Five hundred and ten songs on my playlist.
Is there nothing here I want to listen to?

I stand corrected.
All the time is Jason Mraz time.

Well open up your mind, and see like me.
Open up your hands and damn, you're free.
A look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love.

Sappy music is for saps.
And hopeless romantics.
And I love it.

Half my playlist is soloist and acustic guitar.
Is that bad?

I just accidentally the game.
I'm sorry that you had to read that.

Tonight, a comedian died in New York.

I see your name on the marble arch,
Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it's a broken Halleujah.

And the hardest part is letting go.
Not taking part.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Whatever.
I'll venture later.

Level up!
I am now a level 42 procrastinator.
I'll go and buy my new spells later.

Mmm, Aion.
Angels, Demons, and the Abyss.
What could be better?

The World.
Try the new MMO called 'Outside'.
Realistic graphics!
Intuitive UI!
Force feedback!
Realistic AI!
A fresh twist on the grind we all know and love!

God this blog is full of random crap.
But then, that was sort of the point to begin with.
I laughed when I found out people read it.
Then I figured out that he wasn't kidding.
WTF, people.

I only have one Jazz song on my playlist.
It happens to be my favourite song.
I don't listen to any other Jazz becuase it couldn't possibly be that good.

Wat.
I don't even.
Who...
I don't understand.
That doesn't make any sense.

I don't understand myself either.
Perhaps least of all.

Nonetheless, this is a triumph.

I'm making a note here:
HUGE SUCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Anonymous.
We do what we want because we can.

I'd walk ten thousand miles,
ten thousand miles to see you.
And every gasp of breath
I'd grab it just to find you.

Anything for you.

I love you, and I have no idea if you realise it or not.
Crime shame that.
But really, it doesn't matter one way or the other.

For now, that avenue is closed.
Chivalry prevents me from acting.
He holds me back, but I don't resent him for it.
If he didn't, I wouldn't be me.
And if I wasn't me, I probably wouldn't love you.

For now, I can only continue.
Merely wondering what you would say.

“One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.”

Good joke.
Everybody laugh.
Roll on snare drum.
Curtains.

Tonight, Mafia history was made.

For it was tonight, that it was decided that we would bring a round of mafia to its knees.

It was tonight that it was decided that the players should not fear their Mod. It is the Mod that should fear the players.

And it was tonight that a failure of a mod would pay for her sins against the game.

She can replace us, but it still means that the game is over.

I OWE HOW MUCH?

Jesus Christ. I knew I needed a job. But it only truly sunk in a moment ago.

The reason for this revelatation?

Do you see that? I have been attending AUT for a little over one semester now, and I am already over eight thousand dollars in debt. Now that is a sober relisation, let me tell you.

The problem isn't the course fees. It isn't the text books, it isn't the stationary. It's bloody bureaucracy. No, you see, the problem is my Living Costs.

I am not eligible for a Student Allowance. Regardless of the fact I don't see a cent from them, the fact that my parents make a nice buck living in Thailand disqualifies me. I could get the money, if I were slightly more corrupt - it would be as easy as getting an NZ tax statement saying that my parents make no money and claiming that they are retired. However, I am unwilling to lie to get this money, regardless of how many other people in my exact situation do so.

So, I am living off what is known as Student Living Costs. This is money that StudyLink give to students on a weekly basis to get them through. I have been livivng off the $160 a week this provides for a semester now. The catch is - all of the money awarded for Living Costs goes onto the loan, and must be paid back some day.

As you can see, it stacks up fairly quickly. In fact, at this rate, given my planned 4 years of study, I'll be looking at a loan in excess of sixty five thousand dollars. I can't accept that.

I thought that I was going to be fine with that. But seeing that figure sitting there, it makes me realise that I am going to be in some serious shit if it continues for any longer.

So, I have two options. First is to get in touch with Work and Income and go on the dole. I don't really want to do this, you know - I can't help but think it wouldn't be a nice feeling. Realistically, it is no different to what I am doing now, but the critical difference is I wouldn't have to pay it back. But at the same time, this is taking government money, money that I'd rather see to go people who need it more desperatley than I.

Secondly, I could try harder to find a job. I have been trying thus far, but it has been somewhat half-hearted - I've been firing my CV at tech retailers and anywhere I think I might enjoy working, but no luck. So, I need to cast my net a little wider. As much as I have been trying to avoid it, I would even stoop to fast food, having seen this. A no holds barred, full on, crazed job search.

A month from now, I'll either have a job, or I'll be going on the dole. Because this, as it stands, can't go on.

Dear Ms. Eevee,

Now that the thread has locked, I think I am going to post my final thoughts here. After all, this blog serves as my sword, when the original media is denied.

Congratulations. You value honesty above all else. That's cute. That is noble. It really is.

I hate to break it to you hun, but life doesn't work like that. It really doesn't. If everyone knew what everyone else thought about them, our society would collapse. If everyone aired their little griefs to the world, we would never get anything done. We would be too busy arguing, fighting, and waging war.

I understand why you like to know. Truth be told, I like to know what people think of me as well. But you see, the way I solve this, is by simply asking people. Sure, some lie, giving me the sugar coated version. But there will always be someone who will tell me straight, and will tell me what is said about me behind closed doors. Its an elegant solution, I think - I find out what I want to know, and it keeps the garbage dump that is public opinion from fouling up the smell of the whole neighbourhood.

In truth, it doesn't matter what you prefer. It doesn't matter what you say, what you do, or how much you protest against it - people will talk behind eachothers backs. And you know what? That's fine. It been happening for hundreds upon hundreds of years all over the world, and I'd say it's worked out pretty well so far.

Now, you have said that a few people have left the forums as a result of this. Now, I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that these were CCC people, as I have not seen any people whom I note disappear recently. I am guessing that for them, these 'chinese whispers' amount to cyber bullying right? Well, to be callous about it, they should harden up, or the real world is going to catch them by surprise and knock them on their asses.

As I said in an earlier thread post, office politics is the same effect, but multiplied by a magnitude of ten, and can actually affect your employment status. You said that you don't understad why anyone would get angry with someone for telling the truth. Reality Check - the truth is very often hurtful to the person you are telling it to. If you tell your boss you think he is a micromanaging prick, he will fire you. And he will be totally justified in doing so. That's life.

At any rate, I consider this to be an internal CCC matter - talk to them about it. I may be Just Another Fucking Aucklander, but at least us Aucklanders don't drive people away with our closed doors chats.

Now, to address a major point.

"i have condescended to no one". This statement here was what really did my head in. I don't know if you realised, but your tone throughout this entire thread has been naught but condecending. Regardless of your intent, you gave the appearance of looking down on this country, and its inhabitants. It wasn't the pointing out of these flaws that you see, it was the manner in which you did it. Whether or not you intended it, your air of superiority had many people grinding their teeth.

Added to the fact that I have lived in many places in the world, and my observations run directly counter to yours, the effect was that the thread was simply unbearable.

Your ideas are nice, cute, idillic and noble. They are also completly and utterly unrealistic, and they do not work in the real world.

One day, you will actually get out into the real world and live as an adult. It is on that day the world itself will prove me right.

Signed,
Creature124

P.S. Kiki-chan - I don't know, and I don't care. Her history has no bearing on how offensive she is being.

Utter RAGE.

Note: This entry began it's life as a post on CNZ, but I am copy/pasting it here (the thread has since been moderated due to the sheer amoutn of rage against this douche). It just seems fitting.

This is all in response to the blog entry of this douche here: http://www.astrobunny.net/2009/07/26/doujin-overload-2009/

Your pictures, they are good.

Your commentary...well.

You sir, are a great many things, the words for which are wordfiltered. But believe me that are all short, mostly four letters and all very vulgar. And all of which I would call you, straight to your face.

The stop for the shortbus was right up the street from the hotel. You should have caught one all the way to the idiot plantation - the perfect place for you to put down roots.

This is not an anime convention. It is a chance for our up and coming arists to strut their stuff, and hopefully make a profit. And I'll candidly admit - not all of it was brilliant. However, each person put forth their best effort, and I assure you that each an every artist in there made a sale. That, in itself, justifies the event.

But where exactly do you get off in insulting cosplayers, THEN POSTING YOUR sugar honey iced tea ON THE FORUM WHERE THEY RESIDE.

Frakk off, and take your elitism with you, loser.

UPDATE:
The link now 404's, the offending content has been removed >_<
UPDATE:
Link is back up - silly prick was just waiting for shit to cool down.

DO Weekend

So, this was the weekend of Doujin Overload. For those of you not in the know, Doujin Overload is a yearly event held in Auckland where independant artists and other select merchants set up a table and sell their work.

This year, as every year, the quality was varied. Works ranged from terrible (or should I say abstract? I'm not much of an art critic) lineart to beatifully done full colour character portraits and scenes. In addition to the artist, Graphic Novel Cafe had a small stall and large figurine display, and there were a few other vendors whos names I forget selling a limited selection of DVDs, manga, graphic novels and figurines.

It was a good day. Wandering around the room looking at whats available is interesting. Some of the highlights for me were a K-ON poster (which I sadly forgot to pickup), a Rider poster and a Suigintou poster, the latter of the two drawn by members of the AUT Anime club. But most interesting was an artbook + OST bundle called Superscenic.

The art in the A5 artbook is stunning - some original characters, some existing, but all very good stuff. But for me it was the OST that truly stood out. It was filled with original music, the better part of which (accompanied by artist notes) told a story of a happy couple fraught by tragedy. Mostly violin and piano instumental peices (with only one peice with lyrics), all very beautiful stuff.

Then there was ACB, the Auckland Cosplay Ball, as organized by CNZ's own Duckeh. The event went off without a hitch. It started off a little stiff, but once everyone got comfortable it was riotus fun. Many thanks to Duckeh for all that.

Met and/or caught up with a whole ton of new people from other cities, most notably Pyro, Kotone, Pura and Zorlich. Not all what I was expecting (after all, who really shows the real them on the internet?), but all great, fun people. I thoughrly enjoyed spending time with you. Thank you all for coming up 8D

Sunday, I decided not to go to the zoo. Too tired, no desire. Went to Duckeh's instead and hung with her freeloaders, shit was so cash.

A good weekend!

Thanks, Vodafone

As if my life didn't need to be any more complicated by technical difficulties.

Since sometime yesterday, I've been seeing a high level of packet loss on my internet connection, especially on slow sites.

It has been frustrating the heck out of me. First I thought it was the computer, then my wireless router, then my modem, the internet itself.

Turns out I could have saved myself some grief by going over to the Vodafone support forums....

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Wonderful timing, ain't it? Makes my life so much easier.

At least they are working on it >_<

Computers, Hard Drives, and Clicks

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

I have owned my computer for less than 6 months.

3 days ago, due to a sudden power failure, my harddrive quite suddenly developed a number of bad sectors right in the middle of registry country, probably caused by the head of the drive crashing and proceeding to BOUNCE before coming to a halt.

After two days of HDD diagnostics and failed attempts to restore my computer back to its previous state, I gave up, loaded up a Linux LiveCD and copied all my data off before reformatting my HDD and reinstalled windows.

Now, the computer is quite slow over one part of the bootup process - probably re-reading data that is difficult to read from bad sectors. This is fine and manageable, and given time I could work around it.

However, sometime in the last half hour, the damned drive has started clicking. Faint clicks, at irregular intervals, but they are there, and they weren't before.

Hard drive clicks might not mean much to alot of you, especially given that some older drives used to make horrendous sounds while they were running.

But to me, as a semi-professional IT type, a click is a mechanical failure, which means the drive is dieing. And probably not slowly.

Usually, this would certainly be covered by warranty. On modern drives, power failure should not cause head crashes.

However, the company that sold me this computer, a web-based outfit called c1com, have done a runner. They just picked up and left, leaving pending orders, repair jobs and, yeah, warranties in their wake.

I can't afford a new Hard Drive right now. I just don't have the cash. C1 aren't around to honour my warranty. And the laptop I am currently using to write this post leaves with my mother in a weeks time.

TL;DR - I'm fucked.

I'm Greg, and, well, you may have heard the last of me for a while >_<

2009 - A job hunting oddessy

So yeah, Mum is in town, hes been on my case. About what? Oh, only about everything. You know, nothing major.

But thats what parents are for right?

Anyway, I spent most of the day today going places, leaving CVs, and sending emails out to various companies who might be the slightest bit interested in hiring a student who if fervently trying to avoid a career in the fast food industry.

It all seemed a little pedantic really. Leaving CV's in shops that were hiring and had no intention to do so any time soon, and sending my CV and cover letter to any available email address listed for IT company's listed in the Yellow Pages....from 2007.

But damn me to hell if it didn't pay off. Within an hour I had a response from one company, which looks like a very tempting offer. Hopefully I will be meeting with them tomorrow to work something out.

TL;DR - Parents nagging is useful....sometimes.